A Lesson on Slipping Up
Fessing up time! I messed up. 47 bloody days in and I ruined it by drinking. I am extremely disappointed in myself and had a day of wondering whether I should restart or continue counting days from where I had left off, but perhaps subtracting a day from my counter... But this was not just a little slip up. It was a monumental skid across the ice that separates sobriety and addiction, culminating in an almighty crash straight through it.
The trouble? I gave myself permission. I knew I was going to do it. I even wrote in my journal that morning, 'You have a free pass today, on account of...'; I didn't stand a chance. I had absolutely, in no uncertain terms given myself permission to do the one thing that I was trying to avoid, which BTW is a really terrible plan and will result in total failure. But every mistake is a lesson learned and this was indeed a big lesson.
Lesson 1 - I still have no off button. Having a period of abstinence from alcohol has not 'cured me' or turned me into someone who is able to 'just have one'. I drink too much, I take it too far.
Lesson 2 - The hangovers haven't got better... in fact they've got far worse. This one lasted 3 days. And I got about 3 hours sleep.
Lesson 3 - I didn't really even enjoy it. The moment that I started to feel the effects of the booze taking hold, I wanted to undo it. Did it stop me drinking more though? No it did not! And so back to lesson 1 again...
When these things happen it is important to get back on the proverbial horse and find one's path once again. Yes, I'm really disappointed in myself as I felt like I was doing so well, but complacency got the better of me. 'Never question the decision' is certainly a phrase that, in future, I will remind myself of. I'm back onto day 5 today and it has been really hard not to fall back into old habits, but I have to keep pushing forwards. The first few weeks are the hardest and I really don't want to end up back here again.
Here endeth the lesson...